So far, by God's grace

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

My story of God's goodness.

I had hit the pause button on blogging for many reasons. But some stories need to be shared for healing to happen.

This is my story of secondary infertility. 

I grew up as an only child. It was not easy. My mother always wanted 3 kids. I always wanted siblings. I probably had the best life an only child yearning for a sibling could have. I grew up in a Christian mission hospital campus teeming with kids. So I had company.  I have cousins that are as close to me as I can imagine siblings being. So I should have been alright, right?  No. I remember beginning to pray for a sibling when I was 4 or 5, and I prayed everyday until I left for college . ( What's the point in getting a sibling when you're away at college?)  And so I was determined that I would have 2 kids AT LEAST! 

Fast forward a couple of years, I had met the man of my dreams. We were married, lived in a cute little flat, had everything we needed.  I still remember the day - our first wedding anniversary, when we decided we wanted to start trying for a baby. I expected a few months of waiting. My mother had waited 4 years for me after all! But voila! Before the end of our anniversary month, I saw those two pink lines! We were pregnant!! "God is good, Nothing but good" we thought.  We named our daughter Nanma - meaning goodness. 

Nanma was born, and before we even left the labour room, I told Ashwin, "I don't mind doing this again". Every cute outfit she wore was folded neatly and kept safe for her little baby sister or brother. I think she was a year old when I felt the need to have another one. Ashwin took a while to warm up to the idea, but by the time she was 3, all three of us were ready. But nothing happened. 

How could this be? Month after month ended in heartache. By the time she was 4, people started commenting "Shouldn't you be thinking of having another one?" . If babies were a product of will power, I would be raising an army by now!! Nanma started praying fervently for a baby. She even went so far as to pray, "OK, Jesus, If you don't want to put a baby in Amma's tummy, put one in mine". Watching all the ladies at church who were pregnant with me have  babies again made me hurt. I remember hearing that one sweet lady was pregnant with her 4th and I was hit with wave of jealousy and hurt. Was God trying to teach me a lesson? Did I need to change something about me?  Even as I felt those feelings, I knew they were wrong. I prayed and asked for forgiveness. I asked God to help me be truly happy for my friend, and He did. Her baby shower was the one I enjoyed the most among all the ones I've attended. 

Still... Life continues to be hard. Every day is hard. I have realised that there is a lot of healing in being open about my struggle. To every well-meaning but hurtful commenter, I tell them to please pray that I will have another one. Nanma is 7 now and asks a lot of questions I don't have answers for. I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis and had to be operated twice for it. "Secondary infertility" is my official diagnosis.  As I write this, I am on my two week wait after a procedure. I don't know if tomorrow will bring me happiness or heartbreak. I have no clear idea of my next steps. Should I go for more treatment or should I wait? 

But one thing I know is that my God is faithful. He gives me the grace and courage to withstand each day. Why do we always say "God is good" when things work out the way we want it to?  My God is still goodness. He is still nothing but good.  Whether I see 1 line or two pink lines on my test, I will still say God is good. Now more than ever, I am grateful we named our daughter Nanma - goodness. 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing Deepa! When I grew up, all I ever wanted was to have a stack of children. No ambition, no career plans. Just a husband and a flock of little ones. But God had other plans, so here I am with neither of those things and certainly none in sight. But living God's plan instead of my own has taught me so many lessons and helped me to grow so many other gifts that I would not otherwise have known I possessed. I would never wish struggle upon anyone, yet I am so encouraged that you too can see the goodness in your own. And I pray that God will use you for His good, whether you are a mother of one, or two, or five. xxSL from Oz.