I learned a lesson tonight.... A big one. And I want to share it with you. I am totally expecting some hateful comments, but I stand by what I say. 100%
This evening, Nanma was acting up way more than she usually does. She seemed to be focusing all her energy into repeatedly doing what she very well knows she isn't to do. Now we have a discipline system going at our home. At our home, the natural consequence for what cannot be corrected after 3 time outs is an adi. (spank)(Don't jump at me now!) .
Now Nanma got one adi. She cried. It was hard for me. And she was warned that doing the same "bad thing" again would result in another adi. She told me she wouldn't do it again. And then, barely 5 minutes later, she was back at it!
This time, I was more upset than angry. I hate having to cause my one precious daughter pain. But I knew I couldn't let it slide with just a warning because then she will understand that she could get away with anything if she does it again. I told her I was going to give her an adi. I saw that look of fear cross her eyes. It was p.a.i.n.f.u.l to see that. But then again, I knew I had to do it just to make her understand that I mean NO when I say no!
My eyes teared up as I told her that her defiant behaviour was making me sad. I reminded her of my warning and told her I love her. But I have to give her an adi. I cried. It truly hurt me more than it hurt her to give that adi. ...... I know. Because I have heard my own mother tell me that "adi chufying" me as a kid hurt her more than it hurt me. I never understood it then, but I do now. I've felt my heart being wrung out as I watched Nanma go through an illness or even cry at vaccinations, but this one hurt far more than all those!
And as I held my crying toddler close, and whispered in her ear that I loved her more than she'd ever know, and that I was happy she wouldn't do it again, something suddenly dawned on me.
This is exactly what God was feeling like about me... or even worse! How many times did he watch in sadness as I committed the same sin over and over again! And it probably hurts him far more than it hurts me to watch me face the natural consequences for my actions! And oh my goodness, if I love my daughter so very much, how much more does he love me!!!
Gosh! This is what He means by "The Father's love" !!!!!! God - my heavenly parent!
This blog post might seem ridiculous to you if you don't believe in disciplining your children, or even if you don't have kids yet. But trust me. I feel it, and Its real!
P.S. Appa & Amma, I know you're reading this. I'm so so sorry for the pain Ive put you through. I never understood what you meant till now. Love you so so much!
Even today I cry when I think of how I have, on different occasions, had to hit Divyan and Pavan. I'm all teared up now. But you know what? Look at those boys now? Im so proud of them.
ReplyDeleteThat was a post right from the heart. Thanks for sharing, Deepa, and I'm sure Nanma will be echoing these very same words some day in the future. God Bless.
ReplyDeletePhilosophy apart, your adi has caused pain to both of you, but not in the same place. :-D
ReplyDeleteAww Deepa,
ReplyDeleteThis post is one of the reasons that i liked your blog and keep coming back. Even adis are not the discipline method of choice with me... but makes me upset beyond words when i do... I hope this wont be unwanted advice, but one thing that almost always works is telling my baby that if she doesnt get her act together by the time i count to five, she is gonna get spanked...followed through once or twice and then it has worked like clockwork!!! i think it makes her think about the consequences right as she is doing mischief and helps her better sense to prevail or something.
hope that helps...and pls hang in there... motherhood like all "jobs" has good days with a sprinkling of bad ones thrown in...
@Mannaunty: Aww!! But sometimes,I wish your older son could get another adi or two...especially when he irritates me!
ReplyDelete@Amy&Arpit: Thanks!Your parents' parenting book has helped us a lot!
@Cuppa: ha ha... yes!
@Deepti: That worked for 2 months. Now she knows counting from 1-10 and so will count with me and keep going!
I'm not very proud of the fact that I've also whacked Adiv. Even though i try the timeouts and the warnings, sometimes I give in. I realize it makes no sense, coz i'm merely venting and finally it hurts me the most. I pray I'll be able to be the best parent for Adiv, though I may not be perfect all the time. I hope i'll be able to help him grow into a confident, considerate, good human being. For the moment I'm glad he knows that he is LOVED!
ReplyDeleteSounds like our discipline methods are somewhat similar; and I do understand what you mean about it hurting you more than it hurts her. I also hate seeing the look on my son's face when I tell him what's going to happen if he doesn't stop the behavior he keeps repeating and getting time outs for. Most of the time just a warning about spanking is enough though. I trully do hate doing it, but sometimes it's the only way he would get that I am being serious. Also, it's not a hard spank!
ReplyDeleteBut I like the word "adi" better than "spanking" :)
@Primitive: Ya, that's what I hope for Nanma too!
ReplyDelete@ TAnya: hi5! I purposely used the word 'adi' because the other one brings in bad traffic to my blog.