Blog Update, Life Update

 It has been 6 years since I last wrote a blog post. 

It feels like it has been 16. 

A few months back, I had the privilege of being contacted by an old blog reader. She told me she had in her home,  a framed picture of a story I had shared from my grandmother's collection. I was so moved! When I began writing this blog, there wasn't much thought put behind it. But slowly it had become a way for me to record and process my life as it happened. Somewhere along the way, feeling intimidated by all the people who know me personally who had begun reading my blog, I stopped. Life was also getting more complicated. 

I had written about my struggles with endometriosis and infertility. Looking back at my posts, I can see the grief and the pain with which I wrote them, and also the hope I had that God was seeing my pain and my deep desire for more children, and that he would do something about it.  I am so glad I can write a happy ending, or rather a fresh new beginning to that story. Here is what happened. 

In 2018, I was advised to go for a complete hysterectomy, but I held on in hope for another year, hoping God would work a miracle and treatments would work.  At the beginning of 2019, my endometriosis was so bad, even after medication and other, more conservative surgeries that I could no longer function normally. So the decision was made to go for that complete hysterectomy that was advised a year earlier. But now there were fresh complications. And yet, my heart was at peace knowing my God would lead me through this as well. God did his thing, and made it possible for me to have this surgery done in the comfort of my hometown with the best possible surgical team. Surprisingly my post-operative period was far less painful than the week before surgery!  I made a quick recovery. 

Ashwin and I took our time but we made the joint decision to register for adoption. (This itself is a story of waiting in faith) By this time, Nanma was 10 and we expected her to become a big sister by the time she turned 11. However, that was not to be. The Pandemic hit in 2020 and in India, the adoption process came to a complete standstill. The wait was hard, but we pushed through. Finally, 3 years and 7 months after the day we registered for adoption, we were matched with our second daughter. In our long wait we had decided on a name - one that matched with Nanma, sounded simple enough for anyone to pronounce and had a lovely meaning. But the moment I laid my eyes on our baby girl, the words "She is hope fulfilled" came to my mind. And right along that was the name Asha - which means hope in Hindi and desire or wish in Tamil and Malayalam. We had waited so long in hope, and finally here she was! 

Nanma and Asha have a nearly 14 year age gap between them. They love each other and drive each other crazy at the same time. We can hardly remember what life was like before she came along. Of course, life isn't easy. I have taken a career break to be a stay-at-home mother. Raising a teenager and a toddler in the same home has it's own challenges on some days. But we wouldn't have it any other way.  On the difficult days, I remind myself that this is what I was praying for. This is what I hoped for. 

I don't think I will be blogging regularly, but I will keep my blog open. Because there are things I've written here that have impacted a couple of lives. I myself find it therapeutic to read them sometimes. If you stumbled upon my blog and are curious, read on! 

If you're wondering how to get started on the adoption journey, click here.  CARA is India's only legal adoption avenue. 

I hope my story inspires you to trust and hope in the God who created you with a specific purpose in mind. 

God's Plans

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

- 1 Corinthians 2:9

Who knows what the future holds? I certainly don't. But I'm putting my trust in the guy who created the universe. So that takes care of the worry!

* image source

Timely!

Last night Nanma was playing with my wallet and she pulled this old note out. I was irritated with her at that time for playing with something so precious. But I guess its all a part of God's plan. I needed to read its message and remember it this morning.

Here's the story behind the note. It was written by my father (he's a doctor. that explains the illegible handwriting) and I've had it for 11 years.

I was still in school - 12th grade. My 11th and 12th grades were not my best years. I struggled with all the typical teenage issues plus the fact that I hated the subjects I had to do since my school and town were so small that they didn't have many options. The board exams - the fate decider - was due in 3 days and the first exam was the most dreaded "Tamil Paper 1". That was when we got the call that my Appacha (Amma's father) had passed away. I was heartbroken. My parents were already in Kerala and I went there for the funeral. My Amma stayed on with my Ammachy and Appa and I came back to our house one day ahead of my dreaded exams. I just could not study. I was terrible at Tamil and had barely managed to pass my internal exams. Each time I took up my Tamil book, I would start worrying that I'd flunk my exams. Tamil - the regional language of my state was not the most important exam, but if I failed one paper, I would have to wait another year to write the exam again and qualify to enter college.

It's hard to stay focused when you are grieving.

Close to midnight, Appa walked into my room, gave me a hug and handed me this note. "One who keeps Israel neither sleeps not slumbers. Both of us need not keep awake together". He made me close my books. We prayed together and I slept. . . .soundly.

He dropped me off at my exam center the next day. Appa stayed at home, praying the entire time I wrote the exam. My Amma in Kerala did the same. Wonder of wonders, I was able to write the exam without breaking down. When the marks came, I had passed by one mark! 35 was the cut off and I had 36 on 100!

I had this note pinned to my pin up board at home while I lived there and have carried it in my wallet ever since I left home. It remains forgotton there, but once in a while, I stumble upon it and I'm reminded of the fact that God is indeed watching over me.

3John 1:4

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. - 3John 1:4 (The Bible)

These were words my Ammachy wrote in a little journal or sorts. We found this after she had gone to heaven after 3 years of cancer.

Nanma has been making me think of this verse a lot these days. I have been talking to her about Jesus since she was 1 or so and we've been praying together for some time now. I didn't really know what her understanding of God was and whether prayer was just a routine for her. She would say things like "Jesus is inside my tummy" that would make us laugh! She is so precious!

The other day, I saw her struggle to open an umbrella. I did nothing to help her and I watched from the other room to see what she would do. After a little bit she managed to get it open. Immediately she looked up at the roof, smiled and said "Thank you Jesus!" My heart just welled up with happiness and I remembered the verse Ammachy wrote down in her journal all those years ago.

Truly, I have no greater joy than knowing that my child is walking in the truth.

Philippians 4:8, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (NIV)

1. I have a husband and a daughter - 2 things I always dreamed of having.
2. I am living in my own (rented) home. Not depending on my in-laws. There are so many Indian women out there for whom this is the case.
3. I have a job that I love
4. My daughter is so smart
5. My husband loves me
6. My parents and inlaws are constantly surrounding my family in prayer
7. I live on a quiet, peaceful lane (very hard to have in Chennai)
8. I live near the beach
9. I have friends
10. I don't have any major life threatening illness
11. My daughter is healthy
12. My husband has a job
13. My husband provides for our family
14. I have a cook cum nanny who I trust
15. My bed might be small but it is oh so comfy!
16. There are people who want to read what I write
17. I have never starved for food
18. I can talk to God whenever I want
19. I have a family heritage I that God is proud of!
20. God has protected me and brought me this far. I couldn't have done it on my own!

These are just the first 20 things that came to my mind. I'm sure if I were to actually sit down and count them all, there would be far too many to type out. As I was writing this, I was reminded of my grandma - my precious Ammachy. This was one of the songs she loved to sing and she taught it to all her grandkids. I'm sure she drew strength from this song as well.

She was a big town girl brought up in an affluent, influential family who gave up all that she was used to to go with her husband and two little sons to a tiny, famine struck village far away from home. I remember Ammachy's stories of how their first thatched house didn't even have a toilet. Of how she would wait in line at the common well to draw water. Of how biscuits were a rare treat for her children. And I remember her letter to her children before she passed on. She wrote of how blessed she was.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings name them one by one

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Count your blessings,name them one by one;

Count your blessings, see what God has done.

Count your blessings,name them one by one;

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Source

Thank you Lord!

Wake up, Jesus!

Last evening, we had a surprise thunder storm in Chennai. Rain is always welcome in our hot, sweaty city. And yesterday's was a pleasant surprise for me.

But Nanma was frightened. After 2 months of h.o.t and hotter weather, with not a breeze in the air, she was startled by the loud noises as our doors banged shut with the wind. She huddled up beside me and I carried her out to the doorstep to watch the rain and the lightening in the distance.

"Amma rain de katha para" she said. Tell me the story of rain! As I wondered what story to make up, I suddenly remembered the story of Jesus calming the storm. I told her the story and she listened, the trees bending over in the wind, the pelting rain and the thunder and lightening added to the drama.

"Jesus and his friends were out on a tiny fishing boat in the middle of the sea. It was beautiful and calm out there on the open seas and Jesus went to take a nap. His friends were fine. After all, what bad thing could happen on a beautiful day like this? But suddenly, a storm arose. The tiny boat was tossed about the huge waves and Jesus' friends held on for their dear lives.

Where was Jesus? Why wasn't he doing something? Was he really who he claimed to be? How dare he sleep through this? Why wasn't he even helping bail the water out? One of them went to wake him up. "Master, Master,Don't you care? We're going to drown!" he said. Jesus woke up, smiled at him and then stood up.

He looked at the raging sea and said " Hush!...Shhhh...." And in an instant, it was calm again. Then he turned to look at the shocked faces of his friends and said "Come on! where's your faith?" . And they felt silly to have thought he didn't care or that he wasn't listening.

And as I finished that story, I felt quite silly too. I had been asking the very same questions. "Where are you Lord? Why don't you answer? Please do something or else I'm am going to drown in this!" All the while He has been right beside me! Oh me of little faith!

Hush! Peace.... Shalom.... Shhhh!

Drink Deeply

drink deeply

these two words that caught me off guard as I went through my regular reading list this morning have been ringing in my head ever since.

drink deeply.

I started off reading a blog of a woman who owns a horse. And she mentioned that on part of their ride they stopped by a little brook and that the horse "drank deeply". The moment I read those words I felt a connection.

Think of those two words with me . . . .drink deeply. . . . . what does that mean? I imagine a horse, weary from galloping over the mountains, stopping by a little brook to drink. And he drinks with almost his whole face in the water, drinking like there's no tomorrow. Drinking to satiate his thirst. I imagine the water cool and refreshing as it flows down his throat. I imagine this 'drinking deeply' takes about 4 - 5 minutes at least! And then I imagine that horse's contented face as he gets ready for the rest of his ride over the mountain.

And I want to be that horse!

I cant remember the last time I drank deeply of water - H2O. I have been terribly thirsty countless times, and I have glugged a litre of water at one go. But I haven't felt that satisfaction of having drunk deeply.

I guess this is what Jesus was talking about when he spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, all those years ago.

As I type this, I am reminded of a song my mother taught me. And as I leave you with these words, I am waiting for that time, after my little one goes to bed, and before my husband gets back home, when I can do my own deep drinking.

Yayyy! God and I have a date and I will be drinking deeply!

Like the woman at the well I was seeking
For things that could not satisfy;
And then I heard my Savior speaking:
"Draw from my well that never shall run dry".

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

There are millions in this world who are craving
The pleasures earthly things afford.
But none can match the wondrous treasure
That I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

So, my brother, if the things this world gave you
Leave hungers that won't pass away,
My blessed Lord will come and save you,
If you kneel to Him and humbly pray:

Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul.
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!

- Richard Eugene Blanchard

Sometimes God says...Just wait and see!!

Sometimes very often I find myself doubting God and all that he is capable of. I think , quite foolishly, that he is limited by the deadlines I set or by the limitations of technology we have here on Earth. When God tell me, "Little girl, just trust me and wait", I, being the typical human I am, think he is saying "Oh, no, that's too hard for me. You think I have the time to be worried about your small issue when there's an earthquake's aftermath to take care of?" And so I give up praying, take matters into my own incapable hands, and end up with a stinking failure. But thankfully, that doesn't happen always. Usually, God finds some way to remind me of how waiting on him has actually resulted in me getting my prayers answered!

Like for instance, when I wanted to join this particular college for my B.A. Like I've told you before, I grew up in this small town mission hospital campus, where every other campus kid grew up to become a doctor.(all except 3) I had known from the time I was 2.5 years old that I wanted to NOT be a doctor. And as I grew up, I had this particular womens college in mind where I wanted to do my B.A. It was in the "big city" and I used to dream of studying there.

When the time came, I applied to this college and a few others, including one in Madurai - a small city closer to home. And then I waited....and waited.....and waited. I knew in my heart, that God would grant me what was best for me, but I still kept wishing it was what I wanted. Soon another girl from my class who had applied for the same course in the Madurai college was called for an interview, but I wasn't. I started panicking. What if I didn't get into my favorite college, and what if the Madurai one closed its seats too? What on Earth was God waiting for?? This girl had got lower marks than me and she was called!! I had nothing to do but wait and pray. And guess what?? I got into my dream college!!

After I finished my B.A, there was this particular institute where I wanted to get my masters in teaching English. This course was not available anywhere else in the country. There was a nation wide entrance exam and the sample test they sent me contained a few Math questions!! MATH!! the one subject that sends shivers down my spine!! I remember my parents sitting with me, helping me practice a few problems (after 5 years of having 'dropped' the subject). When I went to the entrance exam site, there was my former class topper and her friends, talking and making plans for the party they'd be throwing when the admission list came out. I was scared. The first list of those who had cleared the entrance exam came and went. My name was not on there. Thinking it was all over, I went ahead and joined the place that was my 2nd choice. I was disappointed and thought God had given up. But guess what?? I met my future husband there!! (I mean, I knew him from before, but we started our relationship there!) About a month after being in my 2nd choice, I got a call from the "premier" institute I had waited for. I was in!!! tearfully, I said goodbye to the place I had now come to love and moved to a new city, a new set of friends, and a long distance relationship which I had no idea then would lead to a wonderful marriage!

When I finished my masters, I applied to work in a school in Ooty. This was the school of my dreams. It was a Christian boarding school that my parents and I had visited when I was small, but the fee was too high for my missionary parents to afford. I was told that there was no teaching post available, but that I could work as a volunteer. I was thrilled!! Confident that I neednt look for jobs anywhere else, I enjoyed a long break with my friends and my family when I got news from the school that all their volunteer positions were full too. To say I was disappointed, is an understatement. Here I was, a 23 year old, with a good degree in hand, but jobless. I was crushed. Then the local school, where I had studied, offered me a job just 2 days before school reopened. That year was a tough one, but good for me. It was also a turning point in my relationship with Paunch, God and my parents. I am so thankful to God for that year. Before the year was over, I got a call from the boarding school. They wanted me as a teacher!!! Even better, they wanted to train me for 3 months to work with children with special needs before I started work. The call came just as I had finished one academic year as a teacher in the local school! How perfect was God's timing!! And look at me, doubting his goodness and his skill at planning my life out!

This, my friends is how my life has been. It has been instance after instance of God proving to me that he is faithful!

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9

Surprised by God

Here is a poem by Susan Lenzkes - my most favorite poet. I found it recently and it has helped me a LOT. I just wanted to share it

There's a place where the

wounded soul goes to hide,

a place that cannot be reached by

human caring,

though it nods at the effort.

It's a dark retractable placce,

without windows and doors;

a place where the soul would be

more alone than it has ever known

unless Someone -

SOMEONE able to walk through walls -

was not already there waiting.

From When Life Takes What Matters by Susan L. Lenzkes

Stepping Stones

This is a post I wrote a little less than a year ago. For some reason I couldn't complete it, and so I didn't publish it. Today, I think its the right time. One of our dearest friends lost their unborn baby this week and as they and we come to terms with the loss, here's something that spoke out to me. .........Read on.

Two months ago, we went on a trek to the waterfalls near where my parents live. This is not a regular tourist spot, but is tucked away between a farming village and the Palani Hills. There is no road leading up to the waterfalls, and so getting there is a long, dusty and ardours climb.

We like it that way!!

No proper road means no tourists. The only people you'll encounter along the way apart from the people in your hiking group would be wandering goatherds or sometimes...just sometimes,a bunch of college students looking for a quiet place to drink/smoke/gamble/and whaterver else they do on the sly, without being spotted!



It is a rocky place, and you pass big, beautiful boulders the way. You have to cross the little stream running down from the waterfalls in two places at least before you reach your destination. The stream runs on a rocky bed, so crossing the stream would be very tricky and dangerous if not for the stepping stones. In fact, whenever we trek up there, I've always marveled at the wonderful way in which these rocks have been placed by God or some person in just the right places to enable us to cross the stream and reach our breathtakingly beautiful destination!

And then soon after I came home, I read this on some blog. Since I'm completing this post almost a year later, I dont remember which blog to offer the credit to.

"No moment from my God is a rock of burden, it's just a rock waiting to be broken apart into stepping stones."

How true! As I look back on my life, I see the big boulders that came my way, I see things I used to value so much, and people I thought were my life, I thought they were my pride and joy, and then they came crashing down the waterfall and were smashed into smithereens. Each little roughly cut rock of memory caused pain. But with time, And the smooth, clear crytstal water of healing God poured over me, as I forgave and was forgiven, these became smooth, rounded, stepping stones. And as I step on these stepping stones, they keep me from falling into the water.

And I will one day reach that beautiful destination!

My dear, dear friends, I am praying for this, for you.

Hugely Humbled

It’s been 8 months and 6 days since the Lovely, Likeable, Loveable Little Lady & I met each other face to face.

It’s been 1 year 4 months and 18 days since she was created.

It’s been a million times infinity years since God planned her birth and the way she’d impact mine and Paunch’s life.

These are the very thoughts that have made me gasp in awe several times today at that indescribable, uncontainable person I love so much and whom I call my God!!!

Stepping Stones

This is a post I wrote a little less than a year ago. For some reason I couldn't complete it, and so I didn't publish it. Today, I think its the right time. One of our dearest friends lost their unborn baby this week and as they and we come to terms with the loss, here's something that spoke out to me. .........Read on.

Two months ago, we went on a trek to the waterfalls near where my parents live. This is not a regular tourist spot, but is tucked away between a farming village and the Palani Hills. There is no road leading up to the waterfalls, and so getting there is a long, dusty and ardours climb.

We like it that way!!

No proper road means no tourists. The only people you'll encounter along the way apart from the people in your hiking group would be wandering goatherds or sometimes...just sometimes,a bunch of college students looking for a quiet place to drink/smoke/gamble/and whaterver else they do on the sly, without being spotted!



It is a rocky place, and you pass big, beautiful boulders the way. You have to cross the little stream running down from the waterfalls in two places at least before you reach your destination. The stream runs on a rocky bed, so crossing the stream would be very tricky and dangerous if not for the stepping stones. In fact, whenever we trek up there, I've always marveled at the wonderful way in which these rocks have been placed by God or some person in just the right places to enable us to cross the stream and reach our breathtakingly beautiful destination!

And then soon after I came home, I read this on some blog. Since I'm completing this post almost a year later, I dont remember which blog to offer the credit to.

"No moment from my God is a rock of burden, it's just a rock waiting to be broken apart into stepping stones."

How true! As I look back on my life, I see the big boulders that came my way, I see things I used to value so much, and people I thought were my life, I thought they were my pride and joy, and then they came crashing down the waterfall and were smashed into smithereens. Each little roughly cut rock of memory caused pain. But with time, And the smooth, clear crytstal water of healing God poured over me, as I forgave and was forgiven, these became smooth, rounded, stepping stones. And as I step on these stepping stones, they keep me from falling into the water.

And I will one day reach that beautiful destination!

My dear, dear friends, I am praying for this, for you.

Because He Lives!

I had a lovely Easter weekend. Paunch was here and spent 5 days with us.  Nanma, chose this weekend to begin learning that most humans sleep at night and that since she's one too  (my dad has to be convinced tho. He thinks she looks like a monkey baby!) she better follow the flock! 

Nanma went on her first house visit, her first Sunday service  and her first picnic this weekend!  And for most part of these she was a good little girl. 

I enjoyed the Easter morning sunrise service best. Its an Easter tradition in our campus, for the community to gather early in the morning on the terrace of one of the buildings here and celebrate it with a Sunrise service. Most of the service is composed of singing old favorite Easter songs and there is also a short message. This is followed by breakfast for everyone  at the Nurses hostel mess. 

I was so glad Nanma's first Sunday service was the Easter service because Easter is what her parents' faith is all about.Yes, Jesus died for our sins, but death could not hold him down. He rose again and he lives!!  Not just as a "living in our hearts" like people often say at funerals, he lives as a living God!! yay!!!

The whole day I felt like humming the song "Because He Lives" by the Gaithers. This song was popularised in India after the brutal murder of missionary Graham Stains and his two little boys. When a TV channed interviewed his wife and daughter, they said they forgive the murderer and then went on to sing the chorus of this song. 

Here is my current favorite stanza of the song  and the chorous.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby

And feel the pride and joy she gives

But greater still, the calm assurance

This child can face uncertain days

Because He Lives!

Because he lives I can face tomorrow

Because he lives, all fear is gone

Because I know, yes I know

He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because He Lives!

Just before I wrote this post, I went over to another blog i read. I just loved what she had to say. So if you have the time, hop over here to read it!

Hope y0u had a Happy Easter everyone... or at least a nice weekend!
 

Another C.S Lewis Quote

I don't know whats with me.... two posts in a day!!!! And to think I put up the previous one in the half hour I have before I begin my day's classes!!!

Anyway, am at the end of my work day, at the end of a busy week. I'm done with my planning for the next week and so here I am.... blogging again! i was browsing through some of the blogs I frequently read and came acorss one that had this C.S.Lewis quote. I must confess that apart from the Narnia series, I have not read any other of C.S.Lewis' books. But I have to admit that he is a brilliant, God inspired, insightful writer. Here's what caught my eye.

Please do let me know what you think!

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace! He intends to come in and live in it Himself."

-C. S. Lewis

I was thinking.... How do I get him to build me this mansion? The answer is surprisingly simple.... I just have to hand over the blueprint I'd made, and allow him to make the necessary changes!

Wow! Mindblowing!

A human being or a human doing?

I was reminded today of something I heard at a Bible study group long ago. The speaker made the comment "Are we human-beings or human-doings?" I was so facinateds by this that I wrote it down on a scrap of paper and tucked it in my Bible, and promptly forgot all about it, till it fell out of its nook this morning.

What an amazing thought to begin my day with! Considering that I woke up today feeling worried - worried about how my students would cope, worried if I was taking good care of my baby, worried about what my husband would eat for breakfast, worried about finances, worried about how I was going to manage keeping my home neat and tidy when all I want to do now is curl up and sleep.... so many worries.... so many "what-to-do's"

And then comes this reminder that God made me, to be a being..... and not a doing!!! I am reminded of the verse in the Bible which says.....

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink;
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more important than food,
and the body more important than clothes?
Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes?
See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you that not even King Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field,
which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,
will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"

Hmmm..... Yes, God.... I know..... All I have to do is.... be still and know that you are God!

If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.

- C.S Lewis

Empowerment

One day in Hawaii a ferocious storm washed hundreds of starfish ashore. A woman, on her morning walk, bent down every few steps to throw a starfish back into the sea. A man saw her and commented, " There are so many of the poor things it cant make a real difference for you to throw these few back." With a knowing smile, she tossed another starfish into the water and turning to the man said, "It made a difference to this one."

My Father's Arms

When I was a little Girl, My Father was my Hero. There was nothing he couldn't do. One of my favorite things he did was pick me up and toss me up in the air and catch me as I fell down. For me, my Father knew everything. He had answers for all my questions.

He and my mother used to teach me to swim in the river near my grandparents house in Kerala. He would hold out his long, strong arms and I would flop onto them, splashing my arms and legs in an attempt to swim. Slowly, he would take his arms away....soon enough I would realise something was missing... As I began panicking, Appa would show me his arms... not holding me, but just a little below me... ready to catch me in case I panic!

My Amma's favorite verse from the Bible (which she would quote when she taught me swimming in the similar way ) was this

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..... "Deut 33:27

The message last sunday at Church was about trusting God as Children trust their Fathers. It triggered precious memories and inspired this poem.


My Father's Arms

Here a worry, there a doubt
Like weeds in my mind they sprout.
Can I?
Should I?
Questions in need of answers
To my heart I cannot lie.

"A leap of faith is what I need" I tell myself.
"No questions. Just taking heed,
Letting my saviour lead."

He promises to be faithful.
Dare I trust Him?
In leaping, what if I fall?
Will they laugh?
Is there a safety net?

"Dearest daughter Deepa," He says,
"I don't want a leap, just a step!
When you are still learning to walk,
Would I make you jump?"

"Walk... one step a time...toward me
Knowing
That underneath you
Are my everlasting arms."

How well do you know death?

At around 2:00am last night, I got a call from a friend, telling me his father had passed away. The fact had still not registered completely with him at that time. I was at a loss for words to say to comfort him. I know the family and I know his dad was an amazing man of God, but still, all I could say was "We'll be praying for you all."

.

I had a hard time getting my sleep back after that. I prayed, argued with God asking "How is this fair?" I cried, I apologised for letting my feelings get ahead of me... I finally said "God, you know how I feel about this. And you obviously know what to do. Just do your job Lord. No one does it better than you!I need to get my sleep now!"Sure enough I was fast asleep in minutes.

.

But ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about this. I've faced the death of loved ones before. I grieved the death of 3 of my grandparents. I watched, holding her hand as my dearest Ammachy(grandmother) breathed her last. Yet at none of these times did I feel that God was being unfair. Then why do I feel this way for a person I hardly know! I guess it's because in the case of my grandparents, I knew they had lived a full life. They had seen their children grow, marry, and settle down to raise families of their own. They had spent quality time with each of their grandchildren. They had passed on enough of their experiences and values down 2 generations. There's something so comforting in knowing that.

.

But in my friend's case, his father was younger than my Dad. He had left behind a distraught wife and chidren who were still studying. This makes me ask "Why God? He had so much more to do!" It just struck me now. Are time, duties, relationships etc. viewed in the same way on Earth and in Heaven? Why couldn't it be that the life he lived here was consided "full" in heaven? What if he had done all he was meant to do? hmm... interesting!

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Death is something I thought I had a reasonable understanding of. I thought I had experienced enough to be able to offer comfort to someone going through the same. But today was a humbling experience. What's the BIG picture like? Do we know? Will we ever know? Maybe!

.

I can't face the thought of losing a loved one, especially the ones I mentioned in my lil poem. And there's nothing I can do about it except drill this verse into my head. This is what God says in the Bible:

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

-Isaiah 55:9

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AO, I'm sorry I couldn't say more. But know that we are praying for you as you go through this tough time.

Isaiah 43:16-21 (The Message)

This is a verse I feel compelled to share today. It is one that has given me a lot of encouragement at times when I have felt like my best laid plans were crumbling. There are references to happenings in history (as recorded in the Bible) where God worked miracles for His people - the ones he made in love. I thought "The Message" version would be easier to follow for those who are not familiar with biblical lingo.

This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say 'Thank you!'
—the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me.


The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson