Writing this post has been difficult. This post had to come up sometime, because I knew it had to. It was hard, because I wasn't sure how I really felt about the things I'm going to be writing about.
I am a normal human being, with normal emotions (OK. maybe a little heightened emotions, but I'm sure there are others like me)
And I have regrets. Some HUGE ones, some not so significant, still they make me go "Cha! If only!"
I'd like to think I am someone who doesn't care what others think of me, but I've come to realise that I do, and that it actually governs what I say and do much more than it should, and much more than I'd like it to.
Here are my biggest two.
Regret No 1:
I am a working mother. All through my childhood, I thought I'd be able to manage being a mom and a teacher. How hard could it be? Then I grew up and everyone around me was telling me the best thin I could do for my child was to stay at home and spend every minute with my daughter. I believed them. But circumstances dictated that I had to be a working mom. My best friend and all the other moms from my church are Stay at home moms (SAHM). Though none of them ever said an unkind word to me, I felt like I was shortchanging my daughter. regrets, guilt, regrets.
Regret No 2:
Might seem strange, but I always was a supporter of breastfeeding. Even as a teenager. I knew and believed it was the best thing that I could feed my child with. I never thought it would be a problem for me. But it was. right from day one. It was painful and my little girl just didn't take to it. I bore the pain amid well wishing aunts and other women intruding upon my privacy, trying to "teach" me the right way to nurse. In time the pain went away. But I couldn't nurse beyond five and a half months. People around me said "If you really want it to work, it will". I really wanted it to work. I believed bottle feeding was bad. I took natural medication to help. But it just didn't work for me. Eventually I switched my baby over to formula and bottles. Big regret. Felt terribly guilty. Made me cry each time I thought of it.
In my effort to be known as a "good christian girl", I have been doing just what Jesus doesn't want us to - look to others for appreciation. I am just realising that I do so many things, even like dragging myself and my sometimes reluctant husband to church, just because I want people to see that I'm going to church. I wanted to be a SAHM because I'd fit in with my christian friends, and because people I cared about thought it was the right thing to do. I found it hard to reconcile with bottle feeding because I was brought up to think it was wrong.
What a farce!
I am in the process of dealing with these regrets though. And as I begin to give up these guilty feelings and regrets I have into god's hands, I am beginning to see the lightness his healing brings. Once again, I am in the process of finding my healing in God. Every now and then I pull back and want to lick my own wounds. But I am learning. And I think I am finally moving in the right direction. Soon there'll be no more wounds to like. I'll be healed.
And I just wanted you to know!